Just A Little Post To Vent Out (You do NOT have to read this)
So, lately, I haven’t really been on Tumblr. I decided today would be a good day to do so. I’ve been emotionally struggling with my life for the past few months. Umm…the reason why? Just to make it short, I have been experiencing an absence of a fatherly figure in my life for two years now. The first year was bearable & I constantly convinced myself that my father was not someone I needed in my life. I thought this same way until January of this year came along. I suffered day in & day out. I saw what was around me & that made me miss him even more. I never had contact with him as much as I would have liked to. He was always in & out of my life (emotionally). I feel a hole deep within my being that longs for a slight view of him. I long to hear his voice. This has affected so much that caused me to start slacking off in school. I stopped doing homework, doing classwork. I was a zombie. I heard things & pretty much just let them pass by. I PRETENDED to be happy. I faked all those smiles & laughs. I never had the experience of having a father who was always there for you. Yeah, he provided for us. But we never felt his presence as fully there. I miss him more & more every day. I’m slowly starting to accept the fact that he will not return. I always dreamed of him being there for my high school graduation, walking me down the aisle at my wedding, experiencing the birth of my first child, the little things. & now I know that, it just won’t happen.
Prior to him leaving, I still suffered emotionally. I didn’t feel motivated to attend school, hang out with friends, or talk to anybody. I was beaten down by society’s view of what a girl should be & look like. I had low self-esteem. Till this day, I still do. But society will never be satisfied. There’s always flaws & mistakes people make that make society hate them more & more.
My father, regardless of him being there or not, plays a big role in shaping who I am as a person. I saw him make the mistakes he made & I make sure to avoid making those same mistakes. I wouldn’t want to hurt my family & friends, the way he hurt his. When my mother & him would argue & pretty much make being at home a living hell, I thought about running away. Running far away to place where nobody knew me & start life all over again. I would hear stories of the abuse between my mother & him. I vowed to never have a companion who would treat me the same way. There’s times when I thought about suicide to avoid all the hatred within the home. The only reason I remained was to make a name for myself. I don’t want to be just a common person in a cruel, tough world. I want to be someone who stands out above the rest & make myself, along with my mother, proud.
I miss my father. I hope he knows that. I break down in tears when I go down memory lane & relive the little moments we experienced together. I hope one day, I get to hear his voice & see his face. Because as of now, I have no idea where he was, what he’s doing, or how’s doing. Writing this now, makes me feel that hole in my chest expand even more. I have a burning hole in my heart that aches every day. I miss you, Daddy.
